Sh*t I said while getting my appendix out
Updated: Jan 27
Someone once said, "Laughter is the best medicine."
That person has apparently never had morphine. Or percocets. Or narcotics.
All of which, I’m happy to announce, I ingested last year, when I got my misbehavin' appendix out.
Despite the excruciating pain and the high of one delicious drug after another, I managed to find levity in the ordeal.
Therefore, I give you:
Sh*t I said while getting my appendix removed: Musings from a Doped-Up Maher
Laugh at my pain.
Urgent Care Doctor: We’re going to give you medicine to help your pain...don’t worry it’s not dope or narcotics.
Me: I’m open to dope AND narcotics. If you want to sedate me, that’s even better.
Urgent Care Doctor yelling to me as I am getting wheeled out by EMTs: DON'T WORRY YOU HAVE A DIMPLE IN YOUR CHIN EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OKAY!
**EMTs enter the room I'm sitting in to put me in the ambulance. A tall, handsome leprechaun-looking man is one of my EMTs, which was incredibly poor timing for me. I looked like a troll due to my inconsolable sobbing and the continued erosion of my will to live. After finally getting to the hospital and getting capital-D DOPED up on the morphine, I decided to shoot my shot, and found my EMT on Facebook.**
Physician’s assistant: Are you sure there’s no chance you’re pregnant?
Me, to the PA, and two scribes, all of whom are female: Well, I have an IUD…**crosses fingers** so fingers crossed I’m not. AMIRIGHT, ladies? *smiles uncomfortably*
PACU Nurse: Do you have bad veins?
Me: What do you mean bad veins? They placed best in show three years in a row.
PA: Your MRI and ultrasound came back negative...and you had pain on your left side. And yet, you have appendicitis. It doesn’t add up, and I’m over you.
Me: Wow, yea, I’m over me too.
Me to ultrasound tech, as she prepares for a VAGINAL ultrasound: Wow, I did not expect to have a photo shoot today.
Ultrasound tech: ….so we’ll take your beautiful pictures to radiology…
Me: Tell them they can frame them. And that they are welcome.
Nurse: And we’re going to get you back on an advanced diet in no time!
Me: There’s no rush, getting my appendix taken out and not eating for two days has, hands down, been the best diet I’ve been on so far.
Neighbor: How many incisions do you have?
Me: Three, also known as the Holy Trinity. Amen.
**My anesthesiologist had just finished explaining how he was going to sedate me**
Him: Any questions?
**Even though I had heard that red heads needed more anesthesia, I decided against asking if that were true, as he would already have to see me naked and I didn't feel like further embarrassing myself.**
Him: Okay, one final question: are you a natural redhead?
Me*lights up with delight*: WOW YES DOES THIS MEAN THAT IT’S TRUE THAT REDHEADS NEED MORE ANESTHESIA?
Me: OH WOW. What’s the science behind that?
Anesthesiologist: I’m not really sure...our textbooks tell us to do it, so we do.