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  • Writer's pictureErin Maher

Sh*t I said while getting my appendix out

Updated: Jan 27, 2020

Post-morphine posin'

Someone once said, "Laughter is the best medicine."

That person has apparently never had morphine. Or percocets. Or narcotics.

All of which, I’m happy to announce, I ingested last year, when I got my misbehavin' appendix out.

Despite the excruciating pain and the high of one delicious drug after another, I managed to find levity in the ordeal.

Therefore, I give you:

Sh*t I said while getting my appendix removed: Musings from a Doped-Up Maher

Laugh at my pain.


Urgent Care Doctor: We’re going to give you medicine to help your pain...don’t worry it’s not dope or narcotics.

Me: I’m open to dope AND narcotics. If you want to sedate me, that’s even better.


Urgent Care Doctor yelling to me as I am getting wheeled out by EMTs: DON'T WORRY YOU HAVE A DIMPLE IN YOUR CHIN EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OKAY!


**EMTs enter the room I'm sitting in to put me in the ambulance. A tall, handsome leprechaun-looking man is one of my EMTs, which was incredibly poor timing for me. I looked like a troll due to my inconsolable sobbing and the continued erosion of my will to live. After finally getting to the hospital and getting capital-D DOPED up on the morphine, I decided to shoot my shot, and found my EMT on Facebook.**


Physician’s assistant: Are you sure there’s no chance you’re pregnant?

Me, to the PA, and two scribes, all of whom are female: Well, I have an IUD…**crosses fingers** so fingers crossed I’m not. AMIRIGHT, ladies? *smiles uncomfortably*


PACU Nurse: Do you have bad veins?

Me: What do you mean bad veins? They placed best in show three years in a row.


PA: Your MRI and ultrasound came back negative...and you had pain on your left side. And yet, you have appendicitis. It doesn’t add up, and I’m over you.

Me: Wow, yea, I’m over me too.


Me to ultrasound tech, as she prepares for a VAGINAL ultrasound: Wow, I did not expect to have a photo shoot today.


Ultrasound tech: ….so we’ll take your beautiful pictures to radiology…

Me: Tell them they can frame them. And that they are welcome.


Nurse: And we’re going to get you back on an advanced diet in no time!

Me: There’s no rush, getting my appendix taken out and not eating for two days has, hands down, been the best diet I’ve been on so far.


Neighbor: How many incisions do you have?

Me: Three, also known as the Holy Trinity. Amen.


**My anesthesiologist had just finished explaining how he was going to sedate me**

Him: Any questions?

**Even though I had heard that red heads needed more anesthesia, I decided against asking if that were true, as he would already have to see me naked and I didn't feel like further embarrassing myself.**

Me: Nope.

Him: Okay, one final question: are you a natural redhead?


Anesthesiologist: Yes

Me: OH WOW. What’s the science behind that?

Anesthesiologist: I’m not really sure...our textbooks tell us to do it, so we do.


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