• Erin Maher

If the Pilgrims were Millennials

I'd imagine this is how the first Thanksgiving would go

England: Sorry, we don’t believe in religious freedom.


Pilgrims: Ight Imma head out.

 

Pilgrim One: Does anyone know if the natives have any allergies?


Pilgrim Two: Dunno, but I heard they don’t really have a taste for colonization.

 

**Text from England to Pilgrims, 4 a.m., Nov. 1621**: U up?


Pilgrims: New country who dis?

 

Pilgrim One: I’m going to bring parsnips, cabbage, and radishes from my garden to Thanksgiving. What are you going to bring?


Pilgrim Two: Damn idk can I just Venmo you to grab me something too?

 

John Smith: What’s Pocahantas’ Insta handle? Oh wait I found her. @Colorsofthewindmakeitclapdaddy. Damn.


**Frantically double-taps every picture**

 

Pilgrim One: Will there be any gluten-free or vegan options?


Native American: I literally have no idea what you just asked.

 

Pilgrim One: **looks down at Pilgrim Two’s buckle shoe** Yooooooo, what are those?

 

Pilgrimette: You like this bonnet? Gee thanks, just bought it. I see it, I like it. I want it, I got it.

 

Pilgrim One: **stares at turkey** Do you think we can just fit this in the airfryer?

 

Pilgrimette One: Carol that highlight is amazing! What did you do?


Pilgrimette Two: Contracted the plague.


Pilgrimette One: Dang did you get a Groupon for that?

 

Pilgrim: **Rubs belly after eating** I think I’m going to start Whole30 tomorrow.

 

Pilgrim: **Greets Native Americans, arms stretched wide** Welcome fam! Let’s get lit.


Native Americans: **Stare at each other, perplexed**

 

Pilgrim: **uploads picture of the first Thanksgiving to Twitter**


Caption reads: Your feast COULD NEVER.

 

Pilgrim: Do you think uber does trans-Atlantic drives? I left my phone charger in England.

 

Pilgrim: **begins saying Grace** Thank you, next. I’m so free and grateful for my ex...nation who forced us to move here. Amen.


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