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  • Writer's pictureErin Maher

If the Pilgrims were Millennials

I'd imagine this is how the first Thanksgiving would go

England: Sorry, we don’t believe in religious freedom.

Pilgrims: Ight Imma head out.


Pilgrim One: Does anyone know if the natives have any allergies?

Pilgrim Two: Dunno, but I heard they don’t really have a taste for colonization.


**Text from England to Pilgrims, 4 a.m., Nov. 1621**: U up?

Pilgrims: New country who dis?


Pilgrim One: I’m going to bring parsnips, cabbage, and radishes from my garden to Thanksgiving. What are you going to bring?

Pilgrim Two: Damn idk can I just Venmo you to grab me something too?


John Smith: What’s Pocahantas’ Insta handle? Oh wait I found her. @Colorsofthewindmakeitclapdaddy. Damn.

**Frantically double-taps every picture**


Pilgrim One: Will there be any gluten-free or vegan options?

Native American: I literally have no idea what you just asked.


Pilgrim One: **looks down at Pilgrim Two’s buckle shoe** Yooooooo, what are those?


Pilgrimette: You like this bonnet? Gee thanks, just bought it. I see it, I like it. I want it, I got it.


Pilgrim One: **stares at turkey** Do you think we can just fit this in the airfryer?


Pilgrimette One: Carol that highlight is amazing! What did you do?

Pilgrimette Two: Contracted the plague.

Pilgrimette One: Dang did you get a Groupon for that?


Pilgrim: **Rubs belly after eating** I think I’m going to start Whole30 tomorrow.


Pilgrim: **Greets Native Americans, arms stretched wide** Welcome fam! Let’s get lit.

Native Americans: **Stare at each other, perplexed**


Pilgrim: **uploads picture of the first Thanksgiving to Twitter**

Caption reads: Your feast COULD NEVER.


Pilgrim: Do you think uber does trans-Atlantic drives? I left my phone charger in England.


Pilgrim: **begins saying Grace** Thank you, next. I’m so free and grateful for my ex...nation who forced us to move here. Amen.

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