• Erin Maher

How to Ruin a Bachelorette Party

Because what’s a good party without some fire and smolder?

  • Start the party with a round of ice breakers. Make it a drinking game. On your turn, tell everyone to drink if they think women should have rights. Don't drink. Make eye contact with everyone.

  • Follow that up with a rousing game of "Guess the Bride's Dowry." Whoever is closest to the arbitrary number that you chose wins a goat. Tell the winner the goat is the bride's father's most sacred animal. Also mention that the goat has diabetes.

  • Cook a large, beautiful breakfast for the entire party. While everyone is feasting, mention that you love to travel, and most recently journeyed to China. Wuhan, specifically. Tell them you didn't feel well right before the trip, but you are attempting to rally. Also ask someone to pick up soap, as the house is out of it. Cough a lot. Don't cover your mouth.

  • On the infinitely long email chain it took to plan the weekend, suggest everyone pack a Kevlar vest, "just for funsies."

  • Go out for a night on the town. Tell every male you come across that the bride thinks he is handsome, is looking for one last romp, and is into "some pretty freaky sh*t." Tell him her safe word is "jaundice".

  • Obnoxiously demand to be in every picture. On the last day of the trip, ask for everyone who posted on social media to take down any images with you. Cite ongoing litigation as the reason. Don't divulge.

  • Sit everyone down for a "surprise". Bring a mobile projector and present a 21-slide Microsoft PowerPoint presentation on why the song "21 Questions" by 50 Cent featuring Nate Dogg is the epitome of romance. The final slide will only have the words, "You gotta love it." At the end, implore people to sign a petition to make "21 Questions" the bride's first dance song.

  • Appoint someone as the designated driver without their prior consent.

  • Instead of doing shots, suggest everyone make a blood oath.

  • Be the first to arrive. Steal every roll of toilet paper at your accommodations. Then go to the local store and buy all its toilet paper, too. Donate it to charity. Tell everyone to hydrate upon arrival. Wait and watch the world burn.

  • Tell everyone that your female empowerment song is the Bayside Boys remix of the Macarena. Exclusively play that song all weekend.

  • On the last day of the trip, give a very wholesome speech about bonding and love and while the bride is hungover and looks as if she's survived the apocalypse, hold your hands à la Mr. Burns from The Simpsons and say: "Let's all leave with this final thought. Is love really blind? Ponder, and we'll touch base again at the wedding."

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©2020 by Erin Maher