• Erin Maher

Erin vs. Quarantine: A Count

Self-destruction is the name of the quarantine game.

Quarantine Day 2


Managed to lose my credit card.


Q Count: Quarantine: 1 Erin: 0

Quarantine Day 4


Also managed to lose my glasses.


Q Count:

Quarantine: 2 Erin: 0

Quarantine Day 6

Sent an email to my roommates and addressed them as my, “Quarantine Colleagues”.

Chuckled to myself.


Gained an unwarranted sense of confidence since no one is here to keep me in check.


Decided I'm the funniest person who has ever existed. (-1)


Q Count:

Quarantine: 2 Erin: -1

Quarantine Day 10

Texted my friend Angie to catch up.





Never spoke to Angie, and realized I have not one, not two, but three, yes three different phone numbers under her contact.







Q Count:

Quarantine: 3

Erin: -1

Quarantine Day 11


Trimmed a piece of my hair. (+1)





Followed up my hair transformation with a short but efficient kitchen fire. Immediately ordered my roommate replacement cutting boards off of Amazon for the ones that perished in the Quarantine Kitchen Fire of 2020. R.I.P.





Q Count:

Quarantine: 4

Erin: 0

Quarantine Day 13


My friend called me and asked me to create a Spanish music playlist for her. Me, a ginger

Irish-American who cannot speak a lick of Spanish.


I'm so Spanish illiterate that during the verbal portion of my Spanish state test in high school, I told my teacher "Sorry, I have to walk my dog," in however you say that in Spanish, for all three different scenarios in which I had to hold a conversation.


But, this did not deter me. Besides, what’s a quarantine without some cultural appropriation?


Created and shared the playlist that includes no deep cuts. (+1)


Q Count:

Quarantine: 4

Erin: 1

Quarantine Day 14


Double-downed on the cultural appropriation and made a tres leches cake. Wepa. (+1)

Q Count:

Quarantine: 4

Erin: 2

Quarantine Day 16

Decided quarantine is a good time to learn how to do a handstand.


Attempted a handstand and pulled on my rug, which made my mirror that sits on my rug lose balance and fall into my giant lantern lamp. The lantern ripped in half. That bastard known as the mirror is absolutely fine. No handstand was completed.


Not shockingly, this is the second time I've ripped a lantern lamp in the last two months, and in the exact same way.


Heard my roommate open her door to see what the noise was. Stayed hidden in my room in shame.


Q Count:

Quarantine: 5

Erin: 2

Quarantine Day 17


Attempted to fix my lamp using the only available supply at my disposal: scotch tape. (+1)


The tape didn't hold. (-1)


Q Count:

Quarantine: 5

Erin: 2

Quarantine Day 19


Decided to subtly flirt with my boyfriend because I hadn't seen him in so long.


Q Count:

Quarantine: 6

Erin: 2

Quarantine Day 20


Scrolled through my town's Facebook groups to see how many suburban moms virtually shamed town residents today for not wearing a face mask outside. Nothing says "vigilante justice" quite like the passive aggressive and absolutely unnecessary social commentary from people with too much time on their hands.


Contemplated posting that I was going to have a "'Rona Rager" at my apartment and that masks were not required. Ultimately decided against this as karma has already caught up with Mom Karen in the form of her, "I want to speak to the manager" haircut.


Q Count:

Quarantine: 6

Erin: 3

Quarantine Day 22


Purchased wax strips from the drug store.


Turned out the strips were a 2-for-1 deal. Not only did I remove my hair, but I also got a deep, unexpected exfoliation when I also removed a whole layer of skin in the process.


Bonus: Learned that you can bruise your bikini line while waxing if you try hard enough.


Q Count:

Quarantine: 7

Erin: 3

Quarantine Day 26


Utter inexplicable euphoria. (+1)


Q Count:

Quarantine: 7

Erin: 4

Quarantine Day 27


Total and complete despair (-1)


Q Count:

Quarantine: 7

Erin: 3

Quarantine Day 28

Aunt Flow becomes my only guest this quarantine.


Bought a whole cake from the grocery store to ease my pain. With sprinkles. (+1)


Q Count:

Quarantine: 7

Erin: 4

Quarantine Day 30


Bought a Himalayan salt lamp for no reason.



Still waiting for it to heal me and my bikini line.


Q Count:

Quarantine: 8

Erin: 4


Final Q Count:

Quarantine: 8

Erin: 4


I'll get you next pandemic, quarantine.

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©2020 by Erin Maher