Elves Strike: 'Tis the Season for Santa to Pay Up
NORTH POLE - Christmas is in crisis. The holliest, jolliest day of the year may be canceled, as the United Elves Labor Union went on strike at Kris Kringle Enterprises Inc., sending nearly 500,000 members at factories across the world and other realms to the picket lines on Tuesday.
Union negotiations in the North Pole turned south when the leaders of the United Elves Labor Union voted unanimously on Sunday morning to authorize the strike, the union's first and only walkout since Santa's Workshop was built in 1856. It began at midnight after the union's current bargaining agreement expired Sunday.
The little people lodged large complaints against founder and CEO, Kris Kringle. Amongst the claims included unfair wages, hostile work environments, and no paid time off.
"Saint Nick? More like Saint Prick," scoffed Elves Labor Union leader, Jingles Hoffa.
"The Elves have been incredibly supportive of Kris Kringle CEO, Kris Kringle. Even through the salacious rumors that he and a married mother kissed - under the mistletoe, no less. We hear him and Mrs. Claus haven't slept in the same bed for years. But we are not here to judge, we are here to fight for fair wages. We are loyal to the bitter end, and intend to stay that way, as long as the big man pays up."
Numbers don't lie. According to the most recent pay stubs, given to the North Pole News by a current member of the Elves Labor Union, only 30% of the cookies that Kris Kringle makes on Christmas night are distributed among laborers.
"Does he need those cookies? Certainly not. What Kringle needs is a diet," responded Hoffa when asked about Kringle's profits.
The working conditions in Santa's workshop have also become a hazard to the staff. In 2013, Santa's Workshop went under a large-scale renovation, spearheaded by Princess Elsa of Arendelle. The improvements turned the once warm, welcoming workshop into a literal ice den. Since then, the slippery ice has caused over 7,000 oopsie-daises, 8,336 whoopsies, and 10,000 concussions.
"I used to love tinkering, but after my concussion, found work to be really hard," said Elves Labor Union member Tinsel Tammy.
Tammy, a once skilled fidget spinner assembler, was relegated to Reindeer Pen Porter after her concussion obliterated her fine motor skills.
Members of the Elves Labor Union marched around Santa's Workshop on Tuesday. In their tiny hands, they held signs that read, "Tis the season for Santa to pay up,," ""Ho-Ho-homie give us the loot," and "Jeffrey Epstein Didn't Kill Himself."
While members marched, the Elves Thespian Troupe donned big, blond wigs, red lips, and sang Dolly Parton's, "9 to 5" for seven-hours straight.
"Dolly lets no man rule her, and we won't either," said Elves Thespian Troupe leader, Jolly Lipton.
"A man in a red suit has nothing on a lady with red lips and a country heart of gold. Dolly, if you're reading this, I love you. Icon."
The strike has ignited a snowball effect with members of other laboring mythical entities. Both the Lollipop Guild and the Oompa Loompa Alliance also went on strike.
"We stand in solidarity of both support and short stature for our fellow little friends up in the North Pole," said Lollipop Guild President, Smith E. Smalls.
"For too long, we have been trodden on, whether that be by Old Saint Nick's boots or Dorothy's red shoes. But no longer. Today is a new day for the lives of us little laborers."
Rudolph Kennedy, chief counsel of the Santa Labor Rackets Committee, and Kris Kringle press agent said of the strike, "The Elves Labor Union is a corrupt, greedy scheme to pinch the pennies and steal from the hardest working man in the holiday business."
No word yet on when the parties will go back to the negotiation table, but sources tell us that the stipulations for the meeting will be at an undisclosed fireplace, with milk and cookies awaiting both parties.