• Erin Maher

Election Day 2021: Sh*t We Should Be Asking the Candidates

Because I think what's on your Netflix recommended viewing is critical to the election

Tomorrow is Election Day, which means that in about 24 hours, the nation will be coming together, seizing democracy, staring down the future, and looking at ballots and saying, “wow, I don’t know who any of these candidates are.”

That’s right, folks. It’s an Election Day in a year where we don't vote for a Commander-in-Chief. Local governments and officials take the marquee polling spot, and instead of worrying about who is sitting in the Oval Office, Americans now must worry what pompous dickheads they will have to listen to at the local school district’s Board of Education meetings.

Now, instead of talking about potential tax levies, false promises to fix up the local park, or the usual slander campaigns against other opponents (which I actually do like because I am not an enlightened individual), I’ve decided that we need to ask the real, hard-hitting questions to our candidates.

Below, thanks to my astute journalism skills, I’ve put together questions on issues and topics that I think would help us understand candidates MUCH better.

Enjoy, and don't forget to flex your constitutional right to vote tomorrow!

  • Who was your favorite Ninja Turtle?

  • N*Sync or Backstreet Boys

  • Do you pour the cereal or the milk first?

  • Would you describe the present incumbent as a “baby back bitch”?

  • Have you ever sh*t your pants from drinking?

  • What’s on your Netflix recommended?

  • Do you also think Ludacris’ “Pimpin’ all over the world” the best song?

  • Come up with a new game for Squid Games.

  • Bras with or without wires?

  • Tampons or pads? Make sure the male candidates answer this question first.

  • Would you rather have knees or elbows? Both isn’t an option.

  • What’s your favorite Kanye West album, and why is it "My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy"?

  • Cardi B or Nicki Minaj?

  • Who would win in a jail fight: a taco or a grilled cheese?

  • What would be the first song you blast on the office loudspeakers?

  • Can you explain to me the electoral college? No, really. Like, I don’t get it.

  • Piggy backing off of that, how about NFTs?

  • Would you say that Nickelodeon's 1998 animated television show CatDog is just a smartly packaged allegory for a successful bipartisan government?

  • In geographical coordinates, please provide the location to where you think Carole Baskin hid her husband's body.

  • Radio talk morning show: The Breakfast Club or E-Bro in the Morning?

  • Finish the lyric: "Listen, baby, I'm sorry Just wanna tell ya, don't worry I will be late, don't stay up and wait for me" "Say again? You're dropping out, my battery is low Just so you know, we're going to a place nearby _____ __!"

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