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  • Writer's pictureErin Maher

A Woman's Brain: A Drama in One Act

I'm here to share the secret workings of a woman's brain with the world. Brace yourself.

Scene: Conference Room, Erin’s brain. Many carbon copies of Erin sit around the table, each representing a different aspect to Erin.

Logic: *Wearing a skirt suit and glasses, addresses the room* …..Alright, now that Erin’s on TikTok, we’ll have at least two hours of uninterrupted time to meet.

Thank you, everyone, for coming today. I know you’re probably all wondering why we’re here. *turns to PMS*

Logic: PMS, we need to talk.

PMS: *Looks around the room, gives attitude* ….about what?” *takes loud smacking chew of gum*

Logic: Yea, listen, PMS. You’’ve been really out of line lately. And it’s disrupting our life.

*Everyone in the room nods in agreement*

PMS: Disruptive?

Logic: More so than usual, PMS.

PMS: How so?

Logic: *Opens a manila folder, lowers glasses* Well, we have a list of grievances.

PMS: *looks on, unimpressed*

Logic: *Clears throat* Grievance No. 1: regularly incites Anger.

*Anger, dressed entirely in red, nods in agreement, cracks knuckles*

PMS: *Rolls eyes* No, I don’t.

Logic: Yes, you do.

PMS: Prove it.

Logic: *Sighs, and starts shuffling paper. From her stack, she pulls a yellow slip of paper and begins to read from it.* The Boyfriend texted his “bros” and called us a quote, “terrorist.”

*Gasps emerge from all over the room*

Love: *Sitting at the table, with a Cupid’s arrow shot through her head, screams* HE DIDN’T MEAN IT, HE IS THE WIND BENEATH MY WINGS.

Logic: *rolls her eyes in Love’s direction* Not now, Love. *turns to PMS* Would you like to share with the group why The Boyfriend did that, PMS?

PMS: *Admires her nails and fails to even look at Logic* Mmm, not particularly.

Logic: Fine, I will.

After losing a rousing game of Scrabble, you convinced Anger to steal The Boyfriend’s prescription pad. He is in his third year of residency, and we are very proud of him…*cracks a small smile and looks around the room*

Addiction: *Sitting at the table, holding two large coffees in each hand, and is also wearing a Camel backpack filled with coffee, is tweaking and interjects* Yea….but what is he even good for? He won’t give us Adderall….

Logic: *Whispers in Addiction’s direction* We all remember the last time Erin had Adderall Addiction...she bought a pack of 300 glowsticks. She then listened to trap remixes of the Spongebob Squarepants theme song for 74 hours straight.

...Anyway, back to you, PMS. You stole his prescription pad and wrote, “Diagnosed with a severe case of B.A.”

Humor: B.A.?

Logic: *Raises an eyebrow*...Bitch Ass

*Humor chuckles, scribbles notes down on a pad*

Decorum: Well! I never!

PMS: He had it coming. What else you got? *nods in Logic’s direction*

Logic: *Appearing annoyed* Let’s see here….

Ah, yes. It seems that, despite our regularly scheduled visit with Existential Dread, you keep inviting her roughly every 27 days to stay for an extended holiday.

*There’s a loud knock on the conference room door. Security opens the door. Standing there in a black robe, holding a scythe, is Existential Dread*

Existential Dread: *Excitedly waves* Hey! Were you guys just talking about me?! It’s been a while! I’ve missed you all. Seriously. What’s misery without company, amirite?! *chuckles* Mind if I join? I bought White Claws!

*A pack of White Claw’s are hanging from her Scythe. PMS smirks, Logic waves her hand to security, and they slam the door shut.*

PMS: She came with White Claws...I don’t see the problem…

Logic: PMS, you know that Existential Dread is only invited once a year, on January 1st, at approximately 10:34 a.m., after Erin’s hangover malaise sets in. And she promptly leaves at 11:02 a.m., after Erin vomits six times but before Erin goes to brunch. This was agreed upon many moons ago. It’s law.

PMS: Whatever…

Logic: *Reads folder* Ah, yes, PMS. Here’s another grievance. Hunger seems to always go on a bender whenever you’re around…

Stomach, please share what Erin purchased on June 18th, the day before her period?

Stomach: *Clears throat* At 11:07 p.m., Erin purchased one large chocolate frosted chocolate cake, with chocolate shavings and chocolate sprinkles.

PMS: Yea, so?

Intestines: What Stomach failed to mention, PMS, is that Erin finished that entire cake by herself, by 11:21 p.m...using a plastic fork, raw willpower, and the hunger equivalent to that of 17 mountain lions.

Addiction: *Has somehow managed to replace all the coffee she was holding with 17 pixie sticks and a candy necklace hanging around her neck* HELL YEA F*CKIN RIGHT LETS GOOOOO!

Logic:*Shakes her head at addiction*...where…?....we really need to review the guest list before we send out the invites...

Health: *Dressed in athleisure, wearing a sweat band, and continually taking her own pulse* You don’t even want to know how many calories she ate in those 14 minutes.

Logic: Health, we may never know, Erin barely passed algebra.

*Murmurs and nods all around the room. Health, looking annoyed, pulls out a stethoscope and listens to her heart*

Logic: So, anyway, PMS. You can see, you’ve caused quite a racket here in the life of Erin Maher. And we’re really done with it.

PMS: I’d be happy to be done with it myself. You'd just need to give me one thing in order for me to stop...

Logic: ...and that would be?

PMS: A baby.

*Youth takes a big gulp, pulls on her collar. The rest of the room starts talking; a cacophony grows amongst the attendees. From the shadows, a Dark Figure emerges. The Dark Figure is dressed in a black pantsuit, with hair slicked back in a bun, and black sunglasses. She clears her throat and everyone turns to her, captivated.*

Dark Figure: Greetings. I am IUD, and I’m here as a proxy for the Uterus. For undisclosed reasons, Erin will not be having a child at this time, or in the next year, five months, and six days. We will not be taking any questions at this time. Thank you.

*The Dark Figure steps back into the shadows. Youth smiles to herself and puts her hand into a prayer pose*

Catholicism: *Wearing nun's attire, takes a sip of tea, and shakes her head* Ooooh girl. You in trouble.

Logic: We really need better security here….

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